°”☆°”•[ΞsŧħéR]•”°★”°

still waiting ...

2008-04-26T10:58:00.004-04:00

It seems such a long time since I last blogged. So much has happened and so much has changed. Finally, I experienced the happiness which i thought will never come to me again. Walking further and further from the past, I am so much a happier person now.

I miss New York. I miss you. Distance has kept us apart. But you will forever have a special place in my heart.

But what lies ahead? I want to live in NY. Who's there for me? I am still waiting.

praying for time to stop now.

2007-12-01T09:57:00.000-05:00

i'm wishing for christmas to come but it would mean that i'll have to go soon. i'm loving new york so much, so attached to everything, i really can't bear to think of leaving. siggghhh.

ambiguity breeds confusion.

2007-11-24T13:43:00.000-05:00

I am blogging because

1. I am bored
2. I don't feel like studying
3. I am confused

???

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MUM & I love you!

2007-09-25T00:39:00.001-04:00

Dear mum,
Your daughter's missing you so much now. On this special day that's your birthday, I'm sending my wishes from New York to wish you good health and happiness everyday of your life. I'm really thankful to you for being my mum and giving me so much love and support everywhere I go. I'm glad brother gave you such a sweet birthday celebration. See?! You're being loved by all of us and you're be blessed for being the BEST MUM in the world.
Love you always,
Fen

I have created facebook to upload my photos at NYC, can view there. Anyways, these are some recent ones. Some highlights: I went to Pennsylvania 2 weeks ago, Liberty Island last week, NY Yankees vs Toronto Blue Jays game last Friday. Will be going to Chinatown to experience the mid-autumn festival mood tomorrow, going to watch Lion King on Broadway on Wed. More to come! But I'm really very busy with school and with some community work here too. SO may not be updating often. But miss all my friends in SG.

Memorable Birthday 7th Sept 2007

2007-09-12T20:12:00.001-04:00

i wanted to visit central park

the most beautiful park i have been to

i love the view of the lake with the skyscrapers in the background

it's amazing how alluring this park is. even just lying down on a mat or reading a book can make one feel so good.

we had a mini-picnic

and this is one of my closer friends here. she is the first person i know from stern orientation - maria from mexico

these two friends from spain - cristina and noelia

another of my closer friends cum housemate - kate from slovakia. Ok, i'm going to remember what kate said to me cos it's the sweetest thing i've ever heard from a girlfriend - that i have the sweetest smile she has ever seen from anyone in her life and "when esther smiles, everything's perfect".. wow ... =)

check out the ducks swimming over to shore

and me feeding them with bread

central park is huge and i can't wait to go back to catch it in fall. If I have more time, i'll set up facebook to upload all the photos.

AND when we went back dorm to wash up, they surprised ME with a birthday cake!

i didn't expect it at all since i thought we would just have an outing at central park

pics abit blur, cos i tink i didn't set my camera properly plus the person who took it not very skillful too, lol

i was really touched by these people whom i've only known for 2 weeks

it was an oreo ice-cream cake...yummy! and credit goes to jeremiah and alex who bought it

i had some other gifts and cards. later we went out for some drinks and to experience the nightlife in nyc. i didn't expect so much fun but it was really a great birthday for me.

September 11, 2001

2007-09-11T15:17:00.001-04:00

Today marks the sixth anniversary of the tragic events of September 11, 2001. To commemorate that day, there is a memorial walk from Washington Square Park to Ground Zero - joining the leaders of NYU's Jewish, Muslim, Catholic and Christian communities as well representatives of New York City Police Department, the New York City Fire Department, and NYU Public Safety Department.

I really really want to go! But, I have 2 assignments due tomorrow and i'm still stuck at the futures homework! And yah i feel that it's so tough to balance life here as an exchange student - because I want to explore the city and participate in activities, and yet school is so demanding and I do want to do well. I already had my first quiz in class yesterday. Arh..... But at least i signed up for a core aerobics course just now.

I still don't have the time to post my birthday celebration pics up. Will do soon. Back to my assignments first.

Happy Birthday to me!

2007-09-07T10:23:00.000-04:00

I'm entitled to 3 birthday wishes!

1. Get a good summer internship in an investment bank

2. Do well for my honours thesis

3. Meet my special one (oooooo.......) lol

my Birthday... 7th Sept!

2007-09-06T16:47:00.000-04:00

I'm so happy when I switched to my singapore sim card and received a couple of sms-es from mum and friends wishing me Happy Birthday. Yea cos it's already 7th sept in sg time. Though birthdays are really no big deal (yah I'm older again..), its very warming for an exchange student - to know that I'm remembered even when I'm far away. So, THANK YOU for your wishes!

It's afternoon now and I'm in my room resting. Just came back from a club fest at nyu and I'm feeling tired. There's quite abit of school work for me to look at and I should be getting down to study after a short nap. In this city that never sleeps, I still need mine.

First Day of School

2007-09-04T23:27:00.000-04:00

The profs here are really good, be it their nature - the way they teach, talk to students and carry themselves, and of course knowledge. Thumbs up for the 2 profs I met today. I'm really impressed. It's really far off if I compare to err... NUS profs. Most importantly, profs here are not stuck up (and some NUS profs do - who think the world of themselves as professors in the best uni in.. Singapore?)

Students are definitely stronger too. Esp they carry themselves with pride and confidence. Or at least they display enthusiasm and passion in class, in what they want to study (not a single student engaged in small chit-chats in my 2 classes today - which is so different from NUS).

I feel so small in this huge city and in this great school - challenged - but motivated and I'll work harder towards my greater goal.

Woodbury craze 31st Aug

2007-09-04T20:47:00.000-04:00

the day i bombed myself

at this famous factory outlets for branded goods

there were so many people! cos Woodbury was having further sales that weekend

i woke up at 630am and took a coach there to start shopping at 9am

there were so many brands i wanted to see

and had to plan my route on the map

totally forgot to take pictures until it was dark

and was still shopping until the last bus at 930pm

i bought quite alot of things.. like GAP was cheap

Guess was not, but they had very nice designs. i'm really quite brand-spoilt i know

spoilt from my extravagant teenage days i guess

bought a gucci wallet and a coach bag too. can't say how much I spent (err.. cos my mum reads my blog sometimes)

bought mum a nice handbag, i'm a filial daughter, as usual

and i promise to be thrifty from now ons.

West Indian American Day Carnival 1st Sept

2007-09-04T19:29:00.001-04:00

the subway station at Brooklyn (it's got quite an interesting name)

the Brooklyn Museum (we haven't go yet)

the parade participants

look at them......!

it was a huge carnival, one we would never see in Singapore

and they were very errrr.... super high

a huge swan float which i tot was quite nice

i was fascinated by the different kinds of people i saw - people from the other side of the world

and i thought the way they cooked and ate were like cavemen?

but it could be quite intimidating. and some blacks were staring at me which made me felt really uncomfortable, and one of them even came up and made funny noises at me.

but overall, it was an unusual and interesting experience.

Everything's well

2007-09-03T10:31:00.000-04:00

I'm settling so well in US and don't even feel that I'm so far away from home. The best thing is I talk to mum on skype so often and we can see each other just as much. Or probably bcos I'm used to staying out already since was staying on campus for some time too. But everything is just so well now. Went to school and printed my notes yesterday - school is starting tomorrow. Cooked dinner last night and my place has almost everything I need.

Today's Labor Day - federal holiday in US. Me, Rebec & Jeremiah are meeting my house-mates at the West Indian American Day Carnival at Brooklyn. Heard that's a very exciting annual event. We'll have fun. =)

New York City!

2007-08-31T10:20:00.001-04:00

HELLO! Have been too busy to blog or upload my photos. Since people have been asking me to update, I’ll back track abit, pen down my thoughts so far these 6 days I’m here and post some photos.
Cheers (:

[Click on the pics below for enlarged view]

Arrived New York City on 26^th August slightly past 12am. Flight was delayed many hours at JFK because of stormy weather. Northwest airline was fine; given the student price I paid which was so much cheaper than SQ. Justified. Transits though painful, can be interesting too; for people who haven’t been traveling too much like me. Airports can be good places to explore (Minneapolis DFS sells my Shiseido skincare cheaper than Changi Airport!) and experience the food and culture.

The cabby who drove me from JFK to 26^th Street Manhatten sucks big time - left me wondering, are Americans like that? I was told and I read too that it’s a flat rate US$45 from JFK to Manhatten, regardless of destination plus tolls and tips. He collected tolls from us though we saw him displaying the e-pass. And upon my destination, he demanded additional tips in addition to the flat rate. I questioned him and he yelled at me. Fine, I’ll rather not dispute that and since he was so desperate for extra money, we shall empathize! Probably he has too many cats at home to feed.

my dorm - 26th street residence hall

I was tramatised when I entered my apartment, it was beyond living conditions. Most importantly, there were no lights (bedrooms not meant to have lights because we have to get our own lamps; but the living room lights were spoilt) and we had to depend on the bathroom lights to clean up in the middle of the night. The place was dirty and the bathtub looked so disgusting and was choking water. I’m really blessed to have Yougang with me. He helped me made the place up and cleaned the bathroom for me to shower. And unlike some people who will, he never grumbles at anything. And then I had a good sleep, enough rest for me to fight the battle the next day.

I was still the only one who checked in. With daylight, we could better unpack my stuff and settle myself into this place I’m going to stay for the next couple of months. I was pretty depressed the first few days I arrived and everything seemed bad. I was asking myself why did I gave up the comfort of my home to come to this hostile city. Luckily I had Yougang around. Looking back now, I really think I had done a good job in settling myself comfortably. My room is well with all the things I need and the place is clean and tidy. I’ve got a pot and utensils and bought groceries too. I’ve bought washing liquids and pails too. Seriously, I realized that I make a good house-maker, my house-mates and room-mate don't know how to do alot of things. And I always believe that rich or not, girls should have a good sense of house-making cultivated in them. And I really appreciate myself for what I am and everything my mum has taught me. *comforted

this is where Yougang stayed

me at the back yard

a flea market near his hostel

selling all kinds of things

Yougang is not only my walking calculator; he is my road directory. Again, unlike some people, though he may not have the best knowledge, he carries always a pleasant attitude towards things and people. That’s so much better than people who preach and put people down. Anyways, we went to many exciting places (they all are since we are first time new yorkers!)

we took the subway

to canal street - chinatown

Chinatown is GREAT – a feeling of nostalgia I guess.

i've always been proud to be a chinese

and love everything about being one

even seeing old folks and their happy indulgence cheers me up

the market place

i just love chinatown

We went Little Italy too. Also, Madison Square Park - Yougang bought nuts to feed the squirrels and it was so exciting to have them coming around you. Well, I was scared. But he had squirrels jumping onto him haha. BUT, I have no pics to post because I’ve lost all of them (failed to upload to my comp and got deleted; so UPSET over it!). Anyways, it was really a fun experience for us. We went Washington Square Park too. There’s so many parks here. We went to the famous New York Public Library, but since photos are gone, I'll retake again. The place is fantastic, like a museum - must-see place!

Yougang has arrived at his new home in Ontario and his little university. Though it's not as exciting as nyc, his landlords are very nice people, a very cosy town (nyc can be quite a cold city), he'll enjoy his stay and peaceful life. I'm missing him already but will catch him soon when I visit him during my mid-term break (hopefully).

Meanwhile, Times Square is definitely a must-go place.

It’s WOWWWWW! I love Times Squares!

I'm going to catch Broadway shows one of these days

the truest experience

Times Sq is just so interesting with so many theme stores

the new-yorkers from NUS

Fifth Avenue is where all the branded boutiques are. All of them are at least 4 storeys high.

the ever-most famous fifth avenue

and as usual, I'll not miss LV. Seen a wallet I like, cost around S$900, I'll see if I can get it cheaper in sg or woodbury (should be going this weekend).

Fifth avenue is the upper class of life

the Disney store

everything's just too cute, just like me! Haha

NYU is definitely far more exciting than NUS. I observed that the students here are very passionate about what they study and they do things because they really want to do it. If they have no passion, they simply don’t do it. That’s quite against the culture in Singapore, as I feel that many students study because they have to and there seems no passion in life. But that’s only my two cents worth, since classes have not officially started.

NYC is an exciting place – especially for people who are hungry for the financial sector. There are opportunities everywhere for grasp. I would have wanted to be born and raised here since it’s where my passion is.

However, no matter how green the grass is on the other side, I’m still missing home - missing my family. I miss mummy so badly, yah and I was crying at the airport and on the flights. But have been skyping with her quite every few days. No matter what, it’s good afterall to learn how to be on your own, in a place so different to how we were brought up.

Big Girls Don't Cry

2007-08-24T13:59:00.000-04:00

Every little thought matters

the thought of wanting to keep me warm

the thought of wanting to get me something useful

and unique

the thought of knowing my little faves

the thought of understanding what I'll need

the thought of knowing where I'll be

the thought of missing me when I'm away

the thought of not wanting me to feel lost

and the thought of protecting me in a faraway place

I love everyone who loves me in every little way.
Leaving soon for my flight and will be back again when I'm settled in New York City.

A Special Friend

2007-08-18T00:23:00.000-04:00

To everyone who cares: Back and I’m fine!
Haven’t been blogging cos I was really busy with ny preparation.

AND.. I just received some flowers delivered to my house..

So.. I wanna say to YOU:

You really surprised me ya. Yes, I’ve always liked roses and they’re beautiful! But I’m more touched by your thought and it’s really the thought that counts. Though we had only been closer these few months, you have proven to be a very worthy friend – someone who never stops caring and being there for me. This while, you have also impressed me with your passion in school activities and in your life. You never stop trying hard at everything and it’s the attitude that makes a difference. I appreciate all the things you have done for me, sincerely - Thank you. Study hard and be happy every day =)

The End of Summer Vacation

2007-08-12T15:11:00.001-04:00

I went to east coast today, with the intention to see the sunset. Alone.
I’ve always loved the east coast because it’s the best place on mainland to get in touch with the sea, sand and sky. Especially when I’m feeling down.

I got really upset when it started raining after I reached. And it always rain la whenever I feel depressed. But just shortly, to my surprise, I was greeted by a rainbow.

Maybe things are really not that bad. It’s how I perceive them to be. Even though it rains occasionally, I still have a beautiful rainbow in front of me. Hopefully something good awaits me at the end of it. Patience is what I need.

I feel very guilty because I canceled my friend’s appointment again in the hope of meeting him today, and that was meant to be an early birthday celebration for me. Some sacrifices can be quite meaningless. Looks like my birthday this year can’t be much happier.

And I just came back from drinking again. Don’t even understand why we both have to try to get drunk to say what we want. Seriously, if I'm not his type of girl, just be upfront about it. Don’t have to add in so many other issues to complicate things and confuse me further.

I wanted to try because I am certain of how I feel for him and he is everything I wanted – until he told me he doesn’t want to settle down yet. I don’t fall in love easily so it really takes me like one in a million chances to settle for someone. Of cos, there are people I like more than friends but not to the extent I’ll wanna have a relationship with. That’s why I didn't want to give up easily. I know he has his reservations and I can understand why. But I seriously don’t think that having a partner about the same age will definitely be better. Someone younger can bring different perspectives and as much happiness into your life please.

But whatever. The reason is no longer important now. If there’s love, anything can be worked out. If not, there is really no point in saying so much.

I'll work very hard to forget everything about this - not because I want to but because he made me to. We will return to how we were like in the past.

Guess I won’t be blogging for the coming week at least. I need to find myself.

I’ll remember what you told me, Pam. Will be missing you lots. Take good care in Sidney and we will meet again when I’m back.

This summer vacation has had many episodes for me. It's sad but some things just have to end.

Torn

2007-08-11T01:25:00.000-04:00

I laid in bed thinking about what he told me, feeling ever more discouraged.

So, simple wishes in life are for the naïve. And I’ll come to realize that it’s near impossible to find a pure kind of love in men, especially older men. Is this really the reality that I had refused to reconcile with all these years? So that explains why for the past year that I’m single, I couldn’t meet someone that I was looking for? Whatever he said does make some sense. And I feel fearful now – have I been trapping myself in a world of my own?

Why do men enjoy making their life complicated? Why isn’t the peace, that a simple life can bring rewarding enough? My ex is one kind too. Where is that end that they are seeking to reach? Or there isn’t any in the first place.

Yes I may be such a naïve, silly and ignorant girl, but there are values that I believe and want to preserve. So, even if I can never find the unconditional love, at least I’ve lived by my beliefs – and even if one day I realize that I’ve been living in alienation, at least I’ve refused to be corrupted.

One thing for sure, I've been through too much pain to ever allow another person to hurt me again. No matter how much I feel for him.

It’s impossible to love without being torn. That’s it.

My fave Final Fantasy 8 with one of my fave songs :)

2007-08-09T23:37:00.000-04:00

The Truth Hurts

2007-08-09T08:55:00.000-04:00

Suddenly, I feel so sorry for all the guys who had liked me before - especially those that I’ve rejected. Maybe I’ve always had my way around too much. Now, I know what it feels like to love someone and at the same time, accept the fact that nothing can come out of it - a feeling of heartache. But what to do, with not much luck. Pam told me that perhaps I’m just feeling bored at this point of my life with no one to love. But it’s not la. It’s like after knowing someone for a period of time and slowly realized that you like everything about this person, whether good or bad. You just feel happy for the simplest reason. And when you start to have some hopes for being together, you know you’re in love.

Yesterday was one of my worse nights ever – not because I was dead drunk, but because I did something to make myself feel worse. Not only did I not distance myself, I’ve made myself more attached to my feelings for him. It’s a good thing I’ll be leaving Singapore in 3 weeks even though I believe I’ll still miss him. And I’ve always believe that love is not about possession. He has brought sense and joy into my life. Even just standing beside him makes me contented. And he has given me the direction to look out for the kind of guys that I will like, in future.

I really appreciate some friends who have been very concerned about me and my recent emotions (you know who you are). Thanks, I’ll be fine la after some time. Erm, I realized that I haven’t been appreciating friends as much so I’ll work on that. Though my love life is empty, I feel consoled with you all around. =)

不能说的•秘密

2007-08-07T10:26:00.000-04:00

Secret made me cry.

I really love this film. (Or probably I love everything Jay does.) It is definitely not the cliché love story. In fact, it’s a simple romantic love story but with a remarkable twist and an unexpected ending. The setting, the shooting and the scenes were excellent. Jay is indeed talented and he knows exactly what appeals to the mass audience today. I applaud him for his first directed movie. Some people may find this film rather unrealistic at some point. But I think the idea is that at the end of it, when different puzzles piece together, the film leaves the audience with some room for their own thoughts and revelations. I believe that if I watch it a second time, I may realize something new.

But what I hated about this movie was that it actually left me feeling heartache and depressed the whole evening. Because I could connect with the emotions of the female lead – she was depressed because no one understood what she was going through emotionally. There was a scene when she was inscribing words on the table and crying terribly: 我爱你。你爱我吗? It really made me upset. The film ingeniously engaged me emotionally with a mix of the desire for a simple romance and the heartbreaks that come with it.

冷咖啡离开了杯垫
我忍住的情绪在很后面

拼命想挽回的从前
在我脸上依旧清晰可见

最美的不是下雨天
是曾与你躲过雨的屋檐 oh

回忆的画面
在荡着秋千梦开始不甜

你说把爱渐渐放下会走更远
或许命运的签只让我们遇见
只让我们相恋这一季的秋天
飘落后才发现这幸福的碎片
要我怎么捡

Two interesting articles I read online:

Jay Chou looks for old feeling in new movie

23 Jun 2007
Source: YCWB

Besides the plot, Jay Chou was happy to talk about other "secrets". He revealed, that he wanted to express a student style of love, "the love of students is a very pure thing, it's not complicated like in society, but this is not my biography". He said, his own first love was not as exciting as in the movie, "She wasn't as beautiful as the female lead in the movie, and I wasn't as thoughtful like in the movie, if it was filmed no one would watch it". Jay Chou admitted there was a kissing scene in the movie, not only that but he doesn't just kiss one girl. As for his own role, he revealed he has the most lines among everyone, and he didn't get dubbed, so he reckons everyone will get tired listening to it.

Jay Chou told of his honest reason for wanting to be a director: "I am an actor, I think that if I was a director I can control everything. I am a Capricorn, I like to control others." Some people questioned if he hired a "contractor" to film it, he shook his head: "I'm most afraid of people suspecting this one. In order to avoid suspicion, I didn't even let Andrew Lau come visit, only until the last day did he come and watch my movie, as a result he said I learnt from him." After filming "Secret", Jay Chou will not be directing movies for three years, "Being the director of a MV is very relaxing, being a movie director is too tiring, for the next three years I'll be concentrating on making music". But if he was to film the next one, he wants to film a martial arts movie.

Female lead Guey Lun-mei commented on Jay Chou: "He isn't so cool like when you see him normally, he doesn't like to talk but is very witty". In fact, yesterday at the press conference Jay Chou showed off his humorous side. When a reporter asked him what "secrets" were there that he could not tell the outside world, he expressed: "There are too many secrets that cannot be told, the first is my mother's age. Also there's love, if I get a girlfriend in the future, I won't talk about it. In terms of other things, it is just a blank piece of paper, everyone is very clear about that. So talking about love, my mouth will be a bit tighter." So what would Jay Chou do if the paparazzi secretly filmed his "relationship"? He chose to act like a child: "If I don't admit to it then it's not true, if they filmed me with my mother and said I was dating, isn't that going over the top. Also I have to remind the girls beside me to be careful, otherwise it will be very easy for people to say you are dating."

Jay Chou lightning kiss, spends millions

03 Jul 2007
Source: UDN

Finally Jay Chou can talk about the kissing scenes in his new self-starring self-directed movie "Secret", firstly Guey Lun-mei secretly kisses Jay Chou, and then the two kiss each other mouth to mouth in the sunset at Tam Sui, according to reports, filming these two kissing scenes nearly made Jay Chou "crazy", he completely reminisced about the scene of his first love.

Even though he stated clearly this was not an autobiography, but "Secret" hides too many real little secrets of Jay Chou, as the release date 10th of August draws closer, the secrets gradually leak out.

For example the kissing scene that has just been exposed, was designed by Jay Chou, describing the first time he and Guey Lun-mei open up about their feelings, the two arrange to take a walk around the record shop, as they walk, Guey Lun-mei couldn't help but steal a kiss on Jay Chou.

For filming this scene, Jay Chou spent nearly a million yuan to hire out the cafÃ© at Shi-Da Road, they spent 3 days redecorating it into an old fashioned record shop. Jay Chou ordered that Yao Su Jung's old song "Tears Of Lovers" must be played at the set. Everyone was surprised, they thought Jay Chou's mother was coming to visit, Jay Chou said with complete confidence "I think that song's got a lot of atmosphere".

The director on the set is the biggest and what he say goes, Jay Chou officially shouts "Action", Guey Lun-mei kisses him at lightning speed, Jay Chou was very happy, then his heartbeat started going faster, he completely "forgot who I was".

But this was only the warm up, the story develops to the point the two's relationship is strong, they arrange to meet at Tam Sui at sunset, they kiss in front of the beautiful scenery, mouth to mouth, but Jay Chou has insisted the pictures of the scene must not be exposed.

Sorry didn't mean it

2007-08-06T11:11:00.000-04:00

Day 1 of forgetting him was good. Went to see Dr Koo at YIH today. Had a farewell chat and he gave me alot of encouragement. Made me feel so much better. But still, shouldn’t rely on him too much. He gave me some supply of sleeping pills too, yah he’s worried I can’t sleep well in NY.

Feeling quite bad about hurting someone’s feelings today – this guy who made my specs. He was irritating me so much when he started calling and sms-ing me, so I was quite hostile to him when I went back to collect my things today. I could feel he was quite affected by it. Well, actually come to think of it, he was trying to be nice to me and I should stop giving people attitude to avoid more bad karma. So at least when I finally meet someone I like, he will be nice to me.

Going away may be a good thing afterall. Hopefully, setting myself further away from matters that I hold too close to my heart would put things into better perspectives.

Secret

2007-08-05T12:00:00.000-04:00

I realized that it wasn’t something I didn’t say.

It was never meant to be right from the start. It was only my one-sided feelings. It’s funny why I chose a closed option when I have so many other offers. Why can’t I just feel something for any of those guys who are going after me? Instead of having to go through this. If it’s not cos I like banging my head against the wall, it’s just bad karma I think.

Sigh. There is really nothing more I want to say. I can only distance myself and forget about it.

Are you feeling it too ..

2007-08-05T00:09:00.000-04:00

It’s about being away and still having you on my mind that makes me realize how much you mean to me.

Fall in love with me?

2007-08-02T12:33:00.001-04:00

Dan asked why do I think so much about love. He told me love is really over-rated and the sooner I realised that, the easier my life will become.

I’ve been through a bad relationship. I know it but it’s alright. Really. I appreciate everyone’s concern. It’s okay. Though I'm now going through a period of uncertainty and confusion, things would be clearer in time. It's not that I'm still inmatured or anything but, I just wanna share my life with someone I like. It's funny come to think of it - I remember I applied for exchange cos I badly wanted to get out of here, but few months later, I’m actually sad to be leaving now. If given more time, things would be different? Maybe.

You would probably never understand what I’m talking about. Or probably you just rather not talk about it. Whatever it is, I’m glad just to have someone nice residing in my heart for now and for the many months ahead. I believe that your spirit will be my strength.

Terrible service at Fujitsu Service Centre - Funan

2007-07-29T11:13:00.000-04:00

Met Karen at Fujitsu Service Centre Funan today. Her boyfriend was so pissed that he slammed the table. I’ve seen many customers flaring up there. It’s not that we are being unreasonable but service there is really bad. And I have to wait 2 more weeks before I can get my speakers replaced. The technician even spoilt my keypad. WTF! That’s it, NO MORE FUJITSU EVER AGAIN.

On a brighter note, I received a super-early-Birthday present today, haa so still quite happy =)

Been some time ..

2007-07-28T11:00:00.000-04:00

Haven’t been blogging. Laptop was in the service centre. ANGRY because I have to bring it back tomorrow again. Damn it. Luckily I brought my office laptop home.

I CURLED MY HAIR TODAY! It’s something that I’ve always wished I have the courage to do - to curl my by-nature-rather-straight-long-hair. Though I still can’t get used to it now (and miss my straight hair, seriously I look better with it), we all need some changes in life, I think.

Arh, and I hate it when I have to try to understand my own feelings. I wonder does anyone experience this kind of crap like I do. Like not understanding why you’re feeling this way? Not even knowing what you’re feeling exactly.

I’m afraid, really afraid that…

...

I’ve fallen for someone, unknowingly? If not, why am I so affected by what he does and says, and probably more
affected by what he doesn’t do. Why am I even thinking about it? And worse, in front of him, I feel so stupid. And I always thought that only I go around stressing people out. But it’s true this feeling has been bothering me and I’m totally bewildered.

It’s nice that I feel a very comfortable sense of security when I’m with him, like I don’t have to worry about anything and he could take care of me. This is something which I’ve always been looking for and missing in my life for very long. But, it’s impossible for him to reciprocate this feeling. I’m always a little girl in his eyes and a very insensible one. But there is something about me he really doesn’t know and I’m not what he thinks I am.

Face it! I know where I stand. I can only pack this feeling up and take it away with me soon.

Painful-eye-Day

2007-07-19T06:53:00.001-04:00

My eye is hurting so badly today. Old injury plus too much strain recently. And can only get the specialist’s appointment on next Tues. Hope I’ll be fine.

我看起来坚强，其实是因为我脆弱

2007-07-15T09:09:00.000-04:00

One of my fave clips from a show I like - 白色巨塔. Maybe because I really could relate.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6A71vplIXoY

每个人的心里都会有一段伤痕

2007-07-15T08:48:00.000-04:00

I am losing the people around me. I am losing myself.

I’m tired of being so emotionally unstable. Get the hell out of me!

Lonely Tears

2007-07-15T08:07:00.000-04:00

Finally managed to upload my current fave song - 泪. Give credit to Nic, yah know him personally. Really like this song and think their album is quite well done. And all the other songs that I am listening to now. Until I stop being sad.

Bad Addiction

2007-07-10T10:04:00.000-04:00

I’m badly addicted to drinking wine again. Think I'm too stressed up.

Best wishes, Sijia

2007-07-04T10:31:00.001-04:00

Sijia's last day at Accenture

Let there be true love please

2007-07-02T12:07:00.000-04:00

I just want to say -

Love is not about asking the person if she will like you so that you can adjust your efforts accordingly.
Love is not about doing a cost and benefit analysis.
Love is not about doing things to meet expectations.
Love is not about possession.

True love is as simple as looking at the person or even hearing his/her voice that makes your day.
True love is to continue loving the person even if he/she does not reciprocate.
True love cannot be taken away easily.
True love is unconditional.

I feel so disheartened to hear the kind of things guys say to me.

Please don’t tell me you like me because I appeal to you as a girl so different from others.
Please don’t take me as a challenge to satisfy your high ego.
Please don’t like me because I look not too bad to introduce to your friends as your girlfriend.
Please don’t like me for all the superficial reasons and don't do things for all the wrong reasons.

Please like me only because your heart really do.
Like me for who I am and for a simple reason called love.
The kind of love that can stand through the test of time, and in which encompasses the promise of a lifetime.

The Promise of a Lifetime

2007-06-30T21:05:00.000-04:00

I’m beginning to enjoy my really-early-morning jogs. Got up at 530 this morning. I love the fresh air and the break of dawn. And there’s a simple feeling of happiness in my heart today. Unexplainable feeling. Lol, it puzzles me but whatever it is, it’s good even if it’s just for a while.

And I think there’s a girl staying in my estate getting married today. I was exercising when I saw about 7 cars coming in. The lead is probably the groom and he was driving a convertible. I guess they are here to pick up the bride. And after that, there was this filming going on about the whole process, the cars were horning, their friends were cheering and all the happy voices in the air. I was a distance away but I could feel the joy. My heart went like wooooo so sweet…~! I wonder how people feel on their wedding day. Stressed? Tired? Or too touched by the happiness? I think it involves alot of courage for people to commit into a lifetime promise, though there are many people who just treat it as part of life’s process and also those don't care about breaking promises. To me, marriage is sacred. Hmm, I was trying to vision my wedding day. Haha! Even though the past still have negative effects on me, I’m becoming hopeful. Ooooooh.. I’m beginning to feel my heart waiting for the day I could have my own family with the special one I love. And I wonder who will be the guy who can give me the courage again to promise him a lifetime.

Emotionally Challenged

2007-06-30T09:56:00.000-04:00

Just finished watching 神雕侠侣 The Return of the Condor Heroes 2006. Have watched many versions before but the story never failed to touch me deeply.

The Broken Heart Cliff

After they returned to the Passionless Valley to obtain the antidote for Yang Guo's poison, Yang Guo threw the antidote that Xiaolongnü had fought to retrieve down the Broken Heart Cliff. Since Xiaolongnü's wound was incurable, Yang Guo did not want to live without her. However, Xiaolongnü did not want Yang Guo to die. She jumped off the Broken Heart Cliff, leaving a message for Yang Guo that said they would meet again in 16 years. Realising that Yang Guo did not see through Xiaolongnü's message, Huang Rong tricked him into believing that there is a "Divine Nun of the South Sea" who comes around every 16 years and has the ability to heal Xiaolongnü. Heart-broken, Yang Guo believed her and returned to the Condor who he had befriended earlier and continued his martial arts training, and developed a new palm technique called Melancholic Palms, which responses to his disability and emotions. Yang Guo waited for sixteen years. He spent his time developing his martial arts with that divine bird and then wandering the land, becoming a well known hero. On the day he was supposed to meet Xiao Long Nu, Yang Guo found out that Nanhai Nun did not exist and that she actually jumped off the cliff, so he jumped off the cliff to join her in death.

问世间情为何物，直教人生死相许

We don't see this in reality at all. In contrast, the kind of complicated relationships people get into these days is depressing to me. I remember there was a scene when Yang Guo said that some people are able to shift their affections around different people easily, but some people would only love once in their entire life.

As for myself, I will wait for a true love. Or probably just waiting for an impossible.

The Beaufort Hotel at Sentosa is a nice getaway from city life. But it’s quite expensive, which probably explains the exclusive peacefulness we get to enjoy. No noisy MRT sounds. No human traffic jam. No work stress and complicated issues. No noise pollution. No need to see the people I don’t like. Comfortable and relaxed. Though it’s just for a short while, it has no doubt lifted my spirits.

So, thank you for the Chanel compact. And thanks for having me there. I appreciate it.

只有自己才能让自己微笑

2007-06-28T11:08:00.000-04:00

Worked till 9pm plus and feeling quite tired now. But still must put things into perspective.

My Plans-In-Progress Checklist

Finalise NY-Jap Travel dates
US Visa and travel documents
NYU term housing
Get NYU fall syllabus and buy textbooks
Buy carry-in luggage and travel laptop bag
Buy new skin care
NY post-term housing and Xmas Plan
Japan New Year Travel Plan
CFA Exams Plan

I finally got my US visa yesterday. It was a painful process – from trying to understand the different visa status and the whole application process (with Jeremiah’s help!), to filling up the various forms (there’s alot of details!), to getting all the required documents ready, to buying the cashier’s order and paying for the sevis fee online (cost $320!! And it’s really for nothing!!), to booking the interview appointment online, to queuing under the tent outside the US embassy (they don’t allow entry until the exact time!), to being treated like a terrorist at the embassy (it was a stressful experience!), to being traumatized by the embassy officer (they try their best to detect terrorism-ness in applicants), to rushing from office yesterday during lunch to collect the visa (they give you a fixed time to come back and no other alternatives you can propose) to finally… my visa! What a hassle!

Dear Pammy is back in sg! Finally, someone I’ll love as a shopping companion. I want to try a new range of skin care products, realized my existing one has not been satisfactory. I need to get alot of stuff too like my carry-in luggage which is the most important. Not too many things though, would rather buy what I need at NYC. There are still many things in my agenda not done, but it’s fun actually, all these preparation and stuff. And I have some friends to thank who have helped me alot so far – Xanthus, Darryl, George, Jeremiah. Hmm, all guys! Oh well.

And I’m engineering a trip to Japan after Christmas in NY. Many people may wonder why Japan and not Europe or somewhere else which may be more exciting. Well, Japan has been my childhood dream, especially to visit Hello Kitty Land! Everyone knows Esther loves Hello Kitty! It’s really my DREAM! So, I’m going to make my dream come true. It’s a few months’ wait but it will be worth it. It will be my motivation when I’m studying hard at NYU.

Hmm, with all exciting plans in progress, and many nice friends around me for lunch, dinner, weekends.. How can anyone in my position be feeling depressed? But, I am.

(Here she goes again.) I haven’t been talking to mum since Monday. I refused to talk to her. Yes, I admit I’m an attention-seeking person. I need attention from my mum and bro. Apparently, I’ve lost my bro for a month since he found a gf. He no longer has time for me – to talk and play like we used to, go out for shopping and meals and stuff … But, I’m not blaming him or anything. Come to think of it, did he feel this way previously when I was with my ex? I guessed so. He must have suffered in silence all these years. But, it doesn’t give me a reason not to feel upset about. So, I’m not talking to people at home cos my heart is hurting and I’m too ashamed to say it out. Worse, I feel that my mum doesn’t like me (paranoid right?). She is just trying to fulfill her role and responsibility as a mum (oh esther, pls stop it!). But it’s true, that’s what I’m feeling. She seems to like talking to everyone else but me. If she has a choice to choose who her daughter is, I don’t think she’ll pick me. Cried during dinner with George last week when I told him what I’m feeling. Sigh, I know I’m being so paranoid and negative.

Actually, I’m to blame for many things that I’m unhappy about too. I think I have attitude problem and I guess many people get frustrated with me just as well. Cos I’m simply too impatient with people, with low tolerance. I get super irritated when I can’t get my idea across to people easily. So, I feel it’s tiring to hang out with some people, though it really is not their fault and I may be too critical. This is something which I HAVE to change. I should be more accommodating and understanding towards others since no two brains work the same way. This being a transition period for me as I’m trying to change myself will be tough. Hopefully when I’ve passed this phrase, I will feel better.

But, one thing for sure, an emotion I’ve developed over the years against some people who like to infringe my personal space – get off my back please. I’m not too kind to people who step into my private zone. And I believe that there are some things we cannot change because we will lose our personality in the process.

思念的六月心情

2007-06-24T11:24:00.000-04:00

曾拥有幸福的人，才能体会什么是悲伤。

曾经深爱过的人，才能体会孤独的滋味。

世上最寂寞的人，就是在喧闹的城市中，

也感觉不到一滴情感，一丝感动；

在繁忙的生活中，也握不到一双温暖的手。

頭文字 D Tonight on TV

2007-06-24T03:29:00.000-04:00

It was one of my favourite movies.
It was one of our favourite movies.

Hope I don’t get upset after watching it again.

一路向北

后视镜里的世界
越来越远的道别
你转身向背
侧脸还是很美
我用眼光去追
竟听见你的泪

在车窗外面徘徊
是我错失的机会
你站的方位
跟我中间隔著泪
街景一直在后退
你的崩溃在窗外零碎

我一路向北
离开有你的季节
你说你好累
已无法再爱上谁
风在山路吹
过往的画面
全都是我不对
细数惭愧我伤你几回

Broadcast Asia 19 –22 June 2007

2007-06-23T01:11:00.000-04:00

It had been an enriching experience for me these 4 days at Singapore Expo for Broadcast Asia 2007. As it was the second time I took part in this event, I felt more relaxed and experienced in a way. I thoroughly enjoyed this event (it beats sitting in the office doing data crunching from morning to evening every boring day) as I get the chance to meet and speak to many international delegates - His Excellency Paulo Alberto, Ambassador of Brazil, the Permanent Secretary of the Prime Minister’s office of Brunei, CEOs and professionals from Sweden, Germany, China, Korea, Hong Kong, Malaysia and all over the world. I also get the chance to catch up with people I have known since last year, like Mediacorp Group CEO Lucas Chow, Assan, Giulio, William, the people from MDA and many others. It was a great time for networking and the only time I can get to use my name cards printed by the BBA office (else they would be sitting in my drawer collecting dust). I’ve been with GoMobile since BCA 2006, helping my boss with all the marketing and PR events and press conferences. I had done my fair share of reading up and learning on the job, not discounting the fact that I’m paid really well too!

Though broadcasting and digital multimedia technology may not be my forte, the event has no doubt provided me with an extremely good experience, with the chance to observe and study how different people from different countries and backgrounds come together to negotiate business, how professionals carry themselves and how unprofessional some people can be. I learned alot on the technicalities of this booming industry as well – DAB, DVB, DVB-H, DVB-T, DVB-S, T-DMB, DMB bla bla bla. I remembered how terrorized I was by all these terms when I first started learning them a year ago. How glad I am for myself that I’m able to let my concepts flow freely when I conduct presentations to clients.

This year, I’m really impressed with my friend Giulio as he was the highlight of the Singapore Media Fusion. I believe he has worked really hard for the past year to achieve such remarkable success. He told me that it had been tough trying to build alliances and getting companies to invest and collaborate. Giulio is a very nice person and I'm happy for him. His picture was on The Straits Times Friday June 22 with a page write-up on “Tune in to uninterrupted live TV anywhere”.

Giulio is the CEO of PGK Media and in alliance with Zentek, NCS, CNBC Asia, ESPN STAR Sports, Nokia and Sumsung, he has launched TV2GO, a Digital Mobile TV Broadcasting trial in Singapore. I recalled at BCA 2006, Giulio had only a small area and he had to showcase his TV-bag at our booth. And I had to be his model for that. But this year, he is different! His booth is centralized and he showcased 100 Nokia/Samsung phones receiving different broadcast programs at any time. It was the central of attraction for the press and the VIPs. In contrast, our booth seemed less in the limelight. We only had 2 paragraphs of media coverage in The Straits Times.

Well, I think it’s my boss. He really should be more aggressive. It’s useless having great technologies without anyone’s recognition. It’s equivalent to having nothing. In fact, our company is the only one in Singapore with two broadcast trial licenses, PGK has only one and Innoxius has one too. But my boss is so stubborn. He told me he refused to do what Giulio has done, simply just to capture all media attention but no true technology. And I can tell he refused to walk over and be friendly. Maybe he’s right but I don’t know that much to judge his position. But anyway, there’s alot to learn on my side as I see how hard work can transform businesses, how people can rise to power and status, how friends can become enemies, how people can fall, and the secrets behind success. Both PGK and ourselves are start-ups, aggressively supported by MDA, but both are almost one-man-show kind. With limitations in resources and finance, it’s not easy, but if Giulio can change his destiny, I don’t see the reason why my boss can’t. He is just too stubborn. Clouded! Like how George slapped me with this word too. lol..

Giulio (He's a white boy and a sweetheart too) showing his mobile TV to Dr Vivian Balakrishnan, Minister for Community Development, Youth and Sports, and Second Minister for Information, Communications and the Arts.

Dr Lee Boon Yang, Minister for Information, Communications and the Arts interviewed by Channel 5 News.

This is opposite my booth and a very interesting one. Don't know why it's here in the first place. It's the launch of Brazilian Football & Leisure Channel & Web Portal in Singapore. Quite a hot issue, been hearing the publicity on Class 95 every morning for the past week.

His Excellency Paulo Alberto, Ambassador of Brazil

They gave Dr Vivian a very nice jersey - Romario 11!

Hahaha.. this is my boss! Trying to look serious in front of the press. He's a joker..

Life Goes On...

2007-06-16T22:17:00.001-04:00

The word FAT has been haunting me recently. This may sound disgusting but I’m deeply traumatized by the amount of weight and fats that I’ve put on. Arrrhhhhhh, it’s depressing me so much that it’s forcing me to wake up at 6am to jog. But, this once a week kind of thing doesn’t seem to have much effect on me. But given my current schedule, that’s the best I can do. How I miss the good-old-slim days! The exchange for no late nights, no clubbing, no smoke, no noise pollution, no drink-till-i-puke and no dance-till-3am is fatness and more fatness. But again, I think I’m healthier now (hopefully) cos when I used to party till morning, I’ll usually only wake up in the afternoon or evening, and would have missed breakfast and lunch, leaving only a meal a day kind. And one doesn’t really have too good an appetite given that kind of lifestyle. Well, I guess I just have to workout more now. And snack less in office. People tend to eat very good food if they work in town. Just last week, Kel and Guojian went with me to Sakae Sushi at CPF Building for dinner. I had buffet while they watched me eat and were so amused about it.

It’s time I do something before I start ripping all my clothes apart.

Friday was Junming’s last day of internship. He’s from NTU and has applied for special term. We got him a cake to wish him well and… the cake is so pretty!

Front: Kel, Junming, me
(I look terrible! Didn't have enough slp aft Café del mar night)
Back: Guojian, Zhihao

Can tell right, I’m the only girl intern. In fact, I’m the only intern from Business. Accenture generally takes in more people from engine or computing for internships. But, nvm la, it’s fun hanging out with these guys. They are not the boring kind of people and are good listeners too. I was telling Guojian that he has got the nature that I’ll like (but don’t be mistaken, we are just good friends) – not too passive and quiet, not too talkative and confident, no bad habits, has his views and opinions and are vocal about them, positive about life, humorous, sincere and the list goes on. He’s got a m'sian gf and it’s precisely bcos he’s so nice to his gf that I’m really impressed with him. So I told him if one day he betrays his gf, that’s it, I’ll hate him. But seriously, I have realized that these are some of the traits that complement me well. He’s from China, so I guess sg still lacks guys who can appeal to me. Our recent hottest topic is about hamster.

It has been raining since hamster asked me to join him for gym yesterday morning. I think it’s an indication that I should not meet him, so I didn’t. As I was telling the guys, my perception of him changed totally after the café del mar night. I’m not for a smoker as my bf (social or not) – smokers are not any bad people but to me, they lack discipline, are easily tempted and fall to addictions. First impression of him was really good – he’s cute (baby face la), well-groomed, speaks well, looks serious in his work and bla. And I told Guojian it’s all his fault. If he didn’t stand at that position at City Hall station that night, we wouldn’t have met hamster on the train, he wouldn’t have started a conversation with me, and we wouldn’t have known that we actually stayed so near to each other, and he wouldn’t have asked me to play tennis, and I wouldn’t feel so bad that I rejected him.. I wasn’t even aware of his existence before that. Anyway, he was so mean to Guojian when we took the cab home from Sentosa. He actually told him to sit in front since he’s getting off first, not in a very nice way. Never judge a book by its cover and it requires different settings to understand a person’s true self. Some guys are dangerous to fall for, esp good looking guys. The more he tries to make an impression, the more he tries to make me fall for him, the more I feel disgusted with him. I have been around enough to read a person’s mind. I hope my next week’s 4 days leave for Broadcast Asia will dissolve all emotions somehow. Relationship is definitely not my priority now anyway.

I'll rather focus on doing things that doesn't hurt me in future. We were informed previously that housing is very tight at NYU, so they will conduct a lottery (random selection) for NYU housing.

I’m really lucky if not I think I will be crying my heart out now. It sucks not to be able to experience hall life at nyu, I mean that’s one of the reasons we are going there for. The check-in date for 26^th Street residence is 26^th Aug (Haha..). My flight would arrive at JFK airport at 10.40pm and a cab down to manhattan would probably take half an hour, so I was wondering if I have to book a hotel for the night since it would probably be too late to check-in the hall. So I emailed the hall manager and surprise, he is so friendly and helpful! There will be a security guard around to assist me and I’ll get to check-in on 25^th.

Investment Banking is not offered in NUS so I’m really excited, though I would have to work hard to refresh my maths for Options and Futures which is definitely going to be really challenging.

Café del Mar tomorrow~!

2007-06-13T08:33:00.000-04:00

It’s a party week for me! First on the agenda, it’s Café del Mar tomorrow evening! I’m so excited and I’m expecting a great time with everyone. Food and drinks through the night. Summer doesn’t get any better than this.

My Journey - Rejuvenated

2007-06-10T00:49:00.000-04:00

I woke up rejuvenated this morning, and I know that my conversation with Christopher last night has been rewarding. Chris is a manager at Accenture and he was part of the process that got me this internship. He is back in Singapore for a week before he goes back to Jakarta for his project at OCBC. I haven’t got the chance to speak to him about my work as he was away for reservist, until last night. I felt ashamed that I actually had compromised to the forces at work and nearly gave up my fighting spirit. I was told to “tone down” by my supervisor - to relax, enjoy time with my colleagues and not always be working. I’m puzzled. If I want to enjoy, I can do that with my own friends. If I do not want to learn, I wouldn’t be there in the first place. I would have simply slack my days through the whole summer. I can, of cos, benefit from the Accenture glam on my resume, but what I truly want to takeaway are skills and experiences that will support my personal development. But I realized that aggressiveness is being put off in my team. It’s not that I find the work too mediocre for me but the pace is simply too slow and the exposure is limited. My request was that on top of my current tasks, for me to sit in one of the design workshops (just a backseat will do), so that I can experience how the consultants work and speak to the clients. How do you expect to learn in an environment where contractors are both your colleagues and supervisors? How do you expect to learn in an environment where people are always giggling behind their computers and chatting? How do you expect to learn in an environment where copy and paste is your daily task? Of cos, I recognize that every work has its differentiated learning experience. This project is exciting and the work that the managers and the different tracks have done is remarkable. There is no doubt about that. But on my side, when I tried to read the functional designs, processes, reports and forms that were designed by our consultants, I realized that I am too slow in my copy and paste work. Given my current job scope as a data entry machine, I could not find any add-ons to my knowledge.

Many times, I thought that there must be something wrong with me. When I question and ask for more, people’s replies are usually “Doesn’t matter la”, “It’s not important”, “Relax la, don’t have to bother about this” or the like. Even in school, people don’t seem to pay attention to details, to seek perfection in everything they do. I feel discouraged by the general culture here in Singapore and kind of priorities people have, if they have any at all. The more we matured, the more educated we are, aren’t we not supposed to question more into social perceptions and habits that have been so readily accepted by everyone? And why are so many people inclined to take things passively? Of course, I recognized that people have different expectations and that could be a sweeping statement. But through my experiences in school and work, I can see that though there are definitely the outstanding ones, the average person falls short greatly.

Chris told me he wants to help me because he was in a similar position before. He told me that he sees potential and traits in me that are lacking in many people. He told me that it usually takes a person 5-6 years to become a manager at Accenture, but he was able to achieve that in 4 years – a record time. He told me that it requires a great deal of effort and it means having the right people to justify your value at work – and that’s your client. He will tell me more next week when we meet up for drinks. The most delightful thing he promised me is that he will be passing me materials and teaching me personally on an area we are both passionate in – Risk Management. In fact, he will be deployed in July to work in London for a year for his client Barclays! It’s so fantastic. I yearn for such opportunities. Talking about this reminds me how much I miss school, miss studying finance. To me, what hides behind academic results are motivation, discipline, passion, hard work and most importantly, sacrifices. Say for this summer, when my peers are enjoying their weekends in town or partying till late nights, I am doing my research project at home. And my motivation is that I can get to study Investment Banking at NYU! My dream is to become an investment banker, if not, a private banker. It’s really not only because of the money but also for the pride and achievement that comes along with challenges. I believe that - the reversal of roles – in 5 years’ time, I will take pride in my career and be empowered in my own life. I will persevere in this journey that I’m going through. =)

Love is in the air?

2007-06-07T11:49:00.000-04:00

The air feels sweet tonight. I'm sitting at my window enjoying the breeze and Class 95 love songs. I worked till 9pm but I'm not feeling really tired now. I can't explain this feeling, but I'm feeling happy tonight, and it's been some time since. Am I thinking too much into things? Too sensitive? Actually, I sort of regretted that I rejected the invitation. Hmm, but why do I feel this way? I hope it's not just another emotion that fades away fast. Since it had bothered me the whole day, I will try out something tomorrow. I hope it will be a nice surprise. I hope I will find something that I have been looking for.

Life lessons from Narayana Murth

2007-06-05T10:49:00.001-04:00

Thanks George for sharing this article with me. I know what you are trying to make me understand and I know that I have much more to learn. =) I'll adopt a more patient and humble attitude from now on. Such a coincidence - this speech was given at the school that I will be going soon and the speaker is the chairman of the company that's supporting Accenture on the project I'm currently working on.

“When, one day, you have made your mark on the world, remember that, in the ultimate analysis, we are all mere temporary custodians of the wealth we generate, whether it be financial, intellectual, or emotional.”

I am deeply inspired by his words and I’ll work harder to become a better person. Let me share this with all my dear friends too.

May 28, 2007

N R Narayana Murthy, chief mentor and chairman of the board, Infosys Technologies, delivered a pre-commencement lecture at the New York University (Stern School of Business) on May 9. It is a scintillating speech, Murthy speaks about the lessons he learnt from his life and career. We present it for our readers:

Dean Cooley, faculty, staff, distinguished guests, and, most importantly, the graduating class of 2007, it is a great privilege to speak at your commencement ceremonies.

I thank Dean Cooley and Prof Marti Subrahmanyam for their kind invitation. I am exhilarated to be part of such a joyous occasion. Congratulations to you, the class of 2007, on completing an important milestone in your life journey.

After some thought, I have decided to share with you some of my life lessons. I learned these lessons in the context of my early career struggles, a life lived under the influence of sometimes unplanned events which were the crucibles that tempered my character and reshaped my future.

I would like first to share some of these key life events with you, in the hope that these may help you understand my struggles and how chance events and unplanned encounters with influential persons shaped my life and career.

Later, I will share the deeper life lessons that I have learned. My sincere hope is that this sharing will help you see your own trials and tribulations for the hidden blessings they can be.

The first event occurred when I was a graduate student in Control Theory at IIT, Kanpur, in India. At breakfast on a bright Sunday morning in 1968, I had a chance encounter with a famous computer scientist on sabbatical from a well-known US university.

He was discussing exciting new developments in the field of computer science with a large group of students and how such developments would alter our future. He was articulate, passionate and quite convincing. I was hooked. I went straight from breakfast to the library, read four or five papers he had suggested, and left the library determined to study computer science.

Friends, when I look back today at that pivotal meeting, I marvel at how one role model can alter for the better the future of a young student. This experience taught me that valuable advice can sometimes come from an unexpected source, and chance events can sometimes open new doors.

The next event that left an indelible mark on me occurred in 1974. The location: Nis, a border town between former Yugoslavia, now Serbia, and Bulgaria. I was hitchhiking from Paris back to Mysore, India, my home town.

By the time a kind driver dropped me at Nis railway station at 9 p.m. on a Saturday night, the restaurant was closed. So was the bank the next morning, and I could not eat because I had no local money. I slept on the railway platform until 8.30 pm in the night when the Sofia Express pulled in.

The only passengers in my compartment were a girl and a boy. I struck a conversation in French with the young girl. She talked about the travails of living in an iron curtain country, until we were roughly interrupted by some policemen who, I later gathered, were summoned by the young man who thought we were criticising the communist government of Bulgaria.

The girl was led away; my backpack and sleeping bag were confiscated. I was dragged along the platform into a small 8x8 foot room with a cold stone floor and a hole in one corner by way of toilet facilities. I was held in that bitterly cold room without food or water for over 72 hours.

I had lost all hope of ever seeing the outside world again, when the door opened. I was again dragged out unceremoniously, locked up in the guard's compartment on a departing freight train and told that I would be released 20 hours later upon reaching Istanbul. The guard's final words still ring in my ears - "You are from a friendly country called India and that is why we are letting you go!"

The journey to Istanbul was lonely, and I was starving. This long, lonely, cold journey forced me to deeply rethink my convictions about Communism. Early on a dark Thursday morning, after being hungry for 108 hours, I was purged of any last vestiges of affinity for the Left.

I concluded that entrepreneurship, resulting in large-scale job creation, was the only viable mechanism for eradicating poverty in societies.

Deep in my heart, I always thank the Bulgarian guards for transforming me from a confused Leftist into a determined, compassionate capitalist! Inevitably, this sequence of events led to the eventual founding of Infosys in 1981.

While these first two events were rather fortuitous, the next two, both concerning the Infosys journey, were more planned and profoundly influenced my career trajectory.

On a chilly Saturday morning in winter 1990, five of the seven founders of Infosys met in our small office in a leafy Bangalore suburb. The decision at hand was the possible sale of Infosys for the enticing sum of $1 million. After nine years of toil in the then business-unfriendly India, we were quite happy at the prospect of seeing at least some money.

I let my younger colleagues talk about their future plans. Discussions about the travails of our journey thus far and our future challenges went on for about four hours. I had not yet spoken a word.

Finally, it was my turn. I spoke about our journey from a small Mumbai apartment in 1981 that had been beset with many challenges, but also of how I believed we were at the darkest hour before the dawn. I then took an audacious step. If they were all bent upon selling the company, I said, I would buy out all my colleagues, though I did not have a cent in my pocket.

There was a stunned silence in the room. My colleagues wondered aloud about my foolhardiness. But I remained silent. However, after an hour of my arguments, my colleagues changed their minds to my way of thinking. I urged them that if we wanted to create a great company, we should be optimistic and confident. They have more than lived up to their promise of that day.

In the seventeen years since that day, Infosys has grown to revenues in excess of $3.0 billion, a net income of more than $800 million and a market capitalisation of more than $28 billion, 28,000 times richer than the offer of $1 million on that day.

In the process, Infosys has created more than 70,000 well-paying jobs, 2,000-plus dollar-millionaires and 20,000-plus rupee millionaires.

A final story: On a hot summer morning in 1995, a Fortune-10 corporation had sequestered all their Indian software vendors, including Infosys, in different rooms at the Taj Residency hotel in Bangalore so that the vendors could not communicate with one another. This customer's propensity for tough negotiations was well-known. Our team was very nervous.

First of all, with revenues of only around $5 million, we were minnows compared to the customer.

Second, this customer contributed fully 25% of our revenues. The loss of this business would potentially devastate our recently-listed company.

Third, the customer's negotiation style was very aggressive. The customer team would go from room to room, get the best terms out of each vendor and then pit one vendor against the other. This went on for several rounds. Our various arguments why a fair price -- one that allowed us to invest in good people, R&D, infrastructure, technology and training -- was actually in their interest failed to cut any ice with the customer.

By 5 p.m. on the last day, we had to make a decision right on the spot whether to accept the customer's terms or to walk out.

All eyes were on me as I mulled over the decision. I closed my eyes, and reflected upon our journey until then. Through many a tough call, we had always thought about the long-term interests of Infosys. I communicated clearly to the customer team that we could not accept their terms, since it could well lead us to letting them down later. But I promised a smooth, professional transition to a vendor of customer's choice.

This was a turning point for Infosys.

Subsequently, we created a Risk Mitigation Council which ensured that we would never again depend too much on any one client, technology, country, application area or key employee. The crisis was a blessing in disguise. Today, Infosys has a sound de-risking strategy that has stabilised its revenues and profits.

I want to share with you, next, the life lessons these events have taught me.

1. I will begin with the importance of learning from experience. It is less important, I believe, where you start. It is more important how and what you learn. If the quality of the learning is high, the development gradient is steep, and, given time, you can find yourself in a previously unattainable place. I believe the Infosys story is living proof of this.

Learning from experience, however, can be complicated. It can be much more difficult to learn from success than from failure. If we fail, we think carefully about the precise cause. Success can indiscriminately reinforce all our prior actions.

2. A second theme concerns the power of chance events. As I think across a wide variety of settings in my life, I am struck by the incredible role played by the interplay of chance events with intentional choices. While the turning points themselves are indeed often fortuitous, how we respond to them is anything but so. It is this very quality of how we respond systematically to chance events that is crucial.

3. Of course, the mindset one works with is also quite critical. As recent work by the psychologist, Carol Dweck, has shown, it matters greatly whether one believes in ability as inherent or that it can be developed. Put simply, the former view, a fixed mindset, creates a tendency to avoid challenges, to ignore useful negative feedback and leads such people to plateau early and not achieve their full potential.

The latter view, a growth mindset, leads to a tendency to embrace challenges, to learn from criticism and such people reach ever higher levels of achievement (Krakovsky, 2007: page 48).

4. The fourth theme is a cornerstone of the Indian spiritual tradition: self-knowledge. Indeed, the highest form of knowledge, it is said, is self-knowledge. I believe this greater awareness and knowledge of oneself is what ultimately helps develop a more grounded belief in oneself, courage, determination, and, above all, humility, all qualities which enable one to wear one's success with dignity and grace.

Based on my life experiences, I can assert that it is this belief in learning from experience, a growth mindset, the power of chance events, and self-reflection that have helped me grow to the present.

Back in the 1960s, the odds of my being in front of you today would have been zero. Yet here I stand before you! With every successive step, the odds kept changing in my favour, and it is these life lessons that made all the difference.

My young friends, I would like to end with some words of advice. Do you believe that your future is pre-ordained, and is already set? Or, do you believe that your future is yet to be written and that it will depend upon the sometimes fortuitous events?

Do you believe that these events can provide turning points to which you will respond with your energy and enthusiasm? Do you believe that you will learn from these events and that you will reflect on your setbacks? Do you believe that you will examine your successes with even greater care?

I hope you believe that the future will be shaped by several turning points with great learning opportunities. In fact, this is the path I have walked to much advantage.

A final word: When, one day, you have made your mark on the world, remember that, in the ultimate analysis, we are all mere temporary custodians of the wealth we generate, whether it be financial, intellectual, or emotional. The best use of all your wealth is to share it with those less fortunate.

I believe that we have all at some time eaten the fruit from trees that we did not plant. In the fullness of time, when it is our turn to give, it behooves us in turn to plant gardens that we may never eat the fruit of, which will largely benefit generations to come. I believe this is our sacred responsibility, one that I hope you will shoulder in time.

Thank you for your patience. Go forth and embrace your future with open arms, and pursue enthusiastically your own life journey of discovery!

In doubt again: US national security

2007-06-03T11:10:00.000-04:00

Islamic suspects charged in alleged JFK airport terror plot

"Had the plot been carried out, it could have resulted in unfathomable damage, deaths, and destruction," US Attorney Roslynn Mauskopf said, telling reporters in New York the plan was "one of the most chilling plots imaginable".

"Any time you hit Kennedy, it is the most hurtful thing to the United States," he was alleged to have said. "They love John F. Kennedy like he's the man.. If you hit that, this whole country will be in mourning."

He was also alleged to have compared the plot to the September 11 attacks on New York's World Trade Centre in 2001. Other alleged plots believed to have been thwarted in New York since the September 11 attacks included plans to blow up a subway station and to bomb commuter train tunnels linking Manhattan to New Jersey.

Mama is nagging again – at my decision to go New York. I can understand her worries. We were already quite disturbed by the Virginia Tech massacre. Sigh.

I hope, it's the last time.

2007-06-02T10:02:00.000-04:00

回家的路总是很远, 话少得很可怜, 一个人的晚餐都是孤单的滋味. 看见身边重复上演属于我们的画面, 选择逃避的眼怎么还是会流泪…
爱着你的每一天, 你就是我的世界, 那时候还以为我就爱这一遍. 没有你的每一天, 快乐离我好遥远, 心已随你走了, 还能用什么感觉…

I know I shouldn’t, but I can’t help it. I cannot find anyone who can understand me more than you. I cannot find anyone who can give me the kind of comfort you gave me. Yes, I’ve told everyone how much I hate you, but I know it in my heart, that the hatred was because of love.

I can feel your presence almost everyday for the past one year. Everywhere I go, everything I do, somehow, something always reminds me of you.

8 years ago, that night I was waiting alone at the bus stop, but you never turned up and I waited till 3am. I told myself I will not think about you anymore. I should have known better. I shouldn’t have given you another chance.

Looking back, it seems that many things were fated. We were fated to meet again and I was fated to love you again.

What is love?

If you really loved me, like how much you’ve always claimed, why did you get the both of us into so much trouble? If you really loved me, you would not have made my life so miserable.

But, if you didn’t loved me, you wouldn’t have done so much for me too. When I saw you being carried down from the ambulance, there was blood all over you, but you were holding the paper bag tightly in your hands. You never let go. It was my gift for you.

Why didn’t you just let us have a peaceful and simple life?

I don’t know. Till today, I still couldn’t understand anything.

My mum still scolds you often and sometimes she will ask if we are still in contact. Haa, if she knows I am blogging about you, she is going to get real upset. But, she is so much happier now because I’ve left you and my life has changed for the better.

How about you? Have you changed for the better?

I know we can never be together again.
I know you hate me for leaving you.
But, you will never know how depressed I actually felt.

Did time ever heal anything?

Yes, it did. At least, I am not crying anymore. At least, I can live my life without you. At least, I had experienced what many people might not even go through in their whole life - the kind of love that makes one disregard everything else.

I can still feel you at nights. The times we were together then. Even in the early mornings. I went jogging at 6am today and went past where we sat the first time at the park. I remember it was 5am plus and there was that old man who kept peeping at us from behind the tree, as if we were doing something. Lol…

Thinking of you makes me want to cry. Why did we turn out this way?

The more my mum scolds you, the more my friends curse you, the more suppressed I feel. Nobody understands how I feel. Nobody understands the pain of leaving someone you loved. The more I try to make myself busy, the more I try to mask my emotions, the more overwhelmed I am by emotions when everything comes to a standstill, and the sadder and lonelier I feel. Because of you, I am not ready to accept anyone into my life, no matter how good they are – compared to you. But to me, love is not a measure of how good or bad one is. What should I do? I’ve grown tired and exhausted from the times that go by, I hold my mask of emotions – I hold it inside with the tears I’ve not cried.

舍不得睁开眼睛, 害怕身边没有你, 也许在梦境里是我们最近的距离. 想念你温热的手心, 冷风里把我握紧, 当冬天又来临这温度该怎么延续..
谢谢你曾经爱过我, 给我最美的经过,
但生命最爱被剥夺, 未来的路该怎么走?

Do you know? I’m going New York soon. Since we broke up, I’ve always wanted to leave this place, be it for a few months, and now I finally have the chance.

I need a closure. Time, I will give myself more time. One day, I will meet that person who can light up my life once again. Meanwhile, I want to be strong, I want to grab all my dreams and I want to do it alone.

I’ve said it many times but I will say it again. This shall be the last time I talk about you.

Leaving you was the toughest thing I had to do. I miss you. Goodbye.

Prisoner of Emotions

2007-05-30T10:22:00.000-04:00

I think I have been really insensitive to realize that my friend is feeling upset. Daqi, I know you will read this so I want to say something to you: Sorry, I didn’t realize you were feeling so depressed and yet I just kept on complaining about my work to you on Tuesday when we had lunch. And yet, you even tried to “console” me. So, you are a strong person! Like me, though we are vulnerable and feel really down at times, we will not allow ourselves to be defeated, right? I understand very well how you feel. I was very depressed when I dropped out of Dean’s List last sem. Not forgetting that I cried for 2 hours after the release of results, I was feeling upset for that whole month. So I told myself I will never be complacent again and I will really work hard and start from ground zero. I’m glad that my Begin with the end in mind motivated you in some way and I hope to see you back on your feet stronger than before, which I know you will. You are one of the few people around me whom I recognized common qualities among us – we are highly motivated people, with passion and drive in our pursuit; we strive to give our best, to reach as close to perfection as we can; we aim high and we want to achieve success through our own efforts. The journey is tough, because failures demoralize us but we are made to go through them so that we can become stronger. I believe that a person who is able to cross life’s hurdles will stand tall and proud at the end of the journey. I believe, with faith and perseverance that efforts do pay off.

This brings me to reflect upon myself too. When have I become this girl who doesn’t have much to say to people? Now, I even started blogging again when I didn't even have the time at home previously. Thinking back, I was such a fun-loving girl. But now, I seldom go out and stay at home every night and almost every weekend. I stay in my own world and in front of people, I’m just faking a smile, a laugh everyday of my life. So, when it gets too tiring, I refuse to even look into people’s eyes. To many, I’m proud and do not bother about the people around me. I don’t smile and don’t join people in their fun.

Why?

… I know it’s because I’m afraid. I’m afraid people will found out who I was – the once a bad girl. I’d spent the first part of my growing-up days desperately in love with what I was doing, and the second part of it doing everything I could to forget it existed. How many people can truly understand what I have gone through? I dare to say, almost none. But I wouldn’t need anyone to understand too. It is not about having many friends around me but how much I can truly open my heart to someone? I am happy just to enjoy some peaceful moments alone.

Who would have guessed that a girl who looks good on the outside has a sad story to tell?

I often feel very discouraged by the people around me. Many people have had a good life since young, a bed of roses, who never know what hardships are. Many people take for granted what they have and are never appreciative. Many people are superficial, be it in their thoughts or priorities. Yes, many a times I feel discouraged. But, I also believe.

I sent in my application to volunteer as a counselor at the Singapore’s Girls’ Home this afternoon. I believe that I was made to go through everything I went though so that I can become a strong and successful woman one day. I also believe that it’s my calling to help the young girls who are helpless and lost like I once was. I feel sad to see that that most people in our society today are the least sensitive and empathetic they can be. I want to be there for that person who may need someone to understand her badly.

I know it’s my problem and not the fault of others. Many people have tried to step into my world only to find me walking further from them – I still can’t open my heart to the people around me. So I remain aloof in front of many people where in fact I’m just hiding inside my shell. Keong told me to smile more, to enjoy time with the others instead of always focusing on my work. Yes, I think this is something I have to overcome – to step out and accept people into my life. I will probably be happier that way. But, it will take some time and it’s not going to be easy. I will give myself the time. Daniel asked me to join him and his friends for tennis tomorrow. As usual, I gave some excuses and turned him down. I usually don’t go out with anyone unless we are fairly close friends. But, I have decided to give myself a chance, so I will meet him for gym this Saturday.

I realised that everytime I feel more "free", I tend to feel more emotional and have alot of thoughts. No wonder I always try to keep myself busy. Whatever it is, I will give myself time to forget the past and look into the future. And I hope the people around me will give me the chance too.

I am my own creator

2007-05-29T10:44:00.000-04:00

Just reached home after the DBS Core Banking meeting at our Accenture office at Raffles City Tower. It was an eye-opening experience for me - of a real business meeting - video-conferencing between us, the Hong Kong office and the Infosys people in Penu. I'm really impressed with Accenture's operations. It is truly dynamic, unlike traditional companies. The project is now ending its Design phrase and moving into Build which will be handled mainly by Infosys, therefore, we will be transiting into the Testing phrase as well. The meeting had inspired me of my role by giving me a clear overall big picture of this project. In fact, this project is currently the biggest one that is going on in the Asia Pacific region. It no longer seemed as mediocre as I used to think.

I'm inspired by the people of Accenture too- mainly the senior management. Colin and Paul - they are just so professional. I'm starting to feel that I really admire men who are professional, capable, well, in power too. Haha, Kelvin was teasing me. Especially when I have the luck of sitting just outside their room at our DBS project site. But it's true. I'm so impressed. Colin is from the states and Paul is one of the few Chinese in the senior management. And they are both so young. These men are just so different from any other Singaporean guy I see around. As usual, the always-ambitious me looks up to the female senior managers like Li Phing. When I was listening to their presentation, other than listening to the project updates, I was telling myself I want to be like them in future - working on challenging projects and sexy stuff. I'm a person who stands by my beliefs very strongly. I think that it's very important for one to have a goal in mind- what you want yourself to be like 5 years later. Of course, nothing can be achieved without hard work. I've always believed that success is a journey not a destination, but it's also important to begin with the end in mind. And I will be my own creator.

Exam Results!

2007-05-25T23:02:00.000-04:00

I think I really have to be satisfied this time, or at least I couldn't ask for more. Well, didn't expect Biz Com to get A, so that's a bonus. But I was expecting a better grade for APB and got only A-. Must be the curse from that writ! I was expecting one more A+ too. But still.... overall, I have done well and finally managed to pull my CAP past that stagnant mark. Daqi just said something to me which I find it very true - Though results are not everything and definitely not the deciding factor for one's success, at every point in life we aim at different things. So, as a student, I'm happy to give myself a pat on the shoulder now.

Frustrated

2007-05-25T11:55:00.000-04:00

I always have this frustrated feeling when I find myself talking to someone whom I can't communicate with. Communication is very important to me, which means the ability to reach a certain level of understanding to the satisfaction of both parties. I can't help it and I tried to be more patient but it's really very difficult to talk to some people without feeling irritated. Quality, not quantity, matters alot to me. I don't know if it's work stress or tiredness that's making me so bad mood now. Or is it the SEP matters? There are sooooo many issues to take care of. It's tiring and stressful! My results better be good when I check tomorrow morning, else my mood will be worse and the rest of the day will be spoilt. I am looking forward to meeting George tomorrow and I certainly hope that it will be quality time spent. Call it my attitude but I really don't like wasting my time with people I can't communicate with. But I trust George will be able to enlighten me.

I am feeling so drained now. Let me have a good sleep please.

Success is a journey, not a destination

2007-05-24T08:53:00.000-04:00

I’m not the kind of girl who talks alot, so I don't really like those who are talkative and exhibit the kind of behaviour like some marketplace-aunties. Don’t understand why those people behind me like to yack so much during office hours. Simply like nothing better to do. I thought girls should have a personality – and to me – means to remain cool. I can’t communicate with them. Don’t see the need to anyway. Conversely, girls like Li Phing are attractive – Pretty, well-groomed, capable, serious in her work and carries herself well. My role-model.

****************************************************

A MOMENT OF TERROR at 6.50pm: We were walking to the mrt station and were chatting about work. SUDDENLY, a middle-aged woman came up to Kelvin from behind and shouted “Fuck your mother la!” a few times. We both went into a state of shock. Then, I burst out laughing. Gees!

****************************************************

喜欢看你走路充满自信
说话时候你的专注眼神
温柔的表情笑容里的天真

****************************************************

Weekend Schedule
Friday – After work: Visa Application.

Saturday – Morning: Release of exam results!
Noon: Networking Lunch & Welcome Tea for incoming freshmen,
at University Hall
Late afternoon: Shopping for laptop accessories and travel stuff
in town
Evening: Dinner and wine with George (my consolation)

Sunday – Whole day: Research project for Prof. Ahn

SO many things not done yet, next weekend is equally bad. I admit I have been too ambitious and thus I’m feeling really overloaded now. No time to slack like a student on summer vacation. I’ll try to squeeze in some slack time in June. All work and no play made me such a dull girl. Today, I’ve got 30% of Config Mgtm Team’s work transferred to me, on top of my regular support for Finacle Apps Team. And the next few weeks will be super busy with all the functional teams signing off their deliverables. I foresee… packed lunches in office and late evenings’ work. Meetings sucks, esp the one just now. I remember I did the mini lecture on meeting/group behaviours for Biz Com last sem. I really want to burst out laughing this afternoon. I was trying to categorize what kind of behaviour those people were exhibiting during the discussion. They ought to be taught by Catherine Cook on how to improve their meeting skills!

****************************************************

我相信找不到有比你更好的人
你心里理想情人是几分
是否也会有我的份
好想知道你的100分会给怎样的人

****************************************************

Yesterday’s SMP Appreciation Ceremony was quite crap to me. Is there a need for that? Quite like a show to me; against my beliefs. Anyway, some of us were talking and they claimed my pay is like 3 x of theirs. I didn’t know internships are generally so badly paid. I do feel some gratification and motivated to work harder.

****************************************************

Until the day I meet you, my life will be like this everyday.

A gift from bro

2007-05-20T04:27:00.000-04:00

Brother is finally back from Taiwan today. He got me this gift - a leather handphone strap engraved with my name. And its my favourite colour, so pretty! Like it lotsa...

En Japanese Dining Bar

2007-05-19T10:10:00.000-04:00

We went to En Japanese Dining Bar located at Crown Centre, Bukit Timah Road. It’s an authentic Japanese restaurant – a newly opened place since the 15^th of this month. Except for the blur waitresses, everything else is fantastic – the furniture, cutlery and ambience. We sat at the bar and were attended by the sushi chef - Danny was really friendly and he even treated us to wine and desert. The food was superb, especially the salmon sashimi. Unforgettable.. and I will be craving for them. I would highly recommend this place to people who are into fine Japanese dining and love Jap food as much as I do.

Famished

2007-05-19T06:13:00.000-04:00

Dinner and movie last night certainly cheered me up abit from my stressful life. Well, it will be better later cos Xanthus is treating me to my fave Jap food for dinner. Smilez~ He is also driving his new luggage bag over, that he has offered to let me use for my NY trip. Always sweet to have nice friends around :)

What I am grateful for...

2007-05-19T02:22:00.000-04:00

Weekends feel nice, though I have so much work to do for these 4 weekends. But still, I like being busy. I enjoy the ownership of a sense of fulfillment. This research project that Prof. Ahn has got me to help him with excites me and I believe that the experience will be good for my honours thesis. What warms me even more is that he has chosen to ask me in the first place. It is heartening when teachers remember me and recognize my abilities. In fact, I have always considered myself privileged when it comes to having supportive and caring teachers around me. In university, when the interaction between teachers and students are not as close as compared to previous schools, I’m glad to have found mentors that I have grown attached to right here in NUS - Prof Alfred, Mr Yong, Prof Lan, Mr Shen and now, Prof. Ahn. They are people who have supported me not only in school work but in my life as well by spending time talking to me, giving me advice and opportunities. Of course, I never forget people from the good old days – Mrs Choo, Jeffrey Wu, Paul Tan and Joanna Tsang. And Mrs Choo has been calling me so often these 2 months for her focus group research to improve the BFS program. And she has just asked me yesterday if I’m interested to go back and mentor my juniors in finance/investment related areas. Of course, I’ll not reject no matter how busy, because sharing life and experiences is very meaningful for me. I feel especially passionate as well because I myself have received alot from my mentors. And the gratitude I feel for them is eternal.

Great lessons in life

2007-05-15T09:42:00.000-04:00

I feel simply sick of all these! We have already broke up for more than a year and I am still linked in some way for whatever shit that he has done. What the hell! I remembered that was the Saturday before APB exams when I was “greeted” with that writ of summons at my doorstep. I was traumatized like crazy and simply had no idea what trouble he has got me into AGAIN. And I had to study for exams! It was only on Monday that I could call and get things clear. I never did sign as his guarantor at all. The law firm should really check their documents clearly before they start traumatizing innocent citizens. Well, it was resolved. But today, I saw 2 missed calls from the law firm during lunch and my heart missed a beat again. When I called back, the lady asked me to help her contact my ex and his rightful guarantor because they can’t find them. Gosh… Can anyone tell me what is going on? What do all these issues have to do with me?! The biggest mistake that I made was ever to have that slightest hope in him. And the biggest lesson that I learnt is to never follow your heart but be rational, be hard-hearted, and think a million times before you call someone your boyfriend. Never assume that you truly know a person, no matter how close you all might be at that point of time.

I learnt another lesson at work today. Never put a story book on your desk because that equates to you having no work to do. Apparently one manager commented on that. I think that’s a lame assumption for anyone to make. The fact is I didn’t even have time to read it at all and I left it there because I just happened to leave it there. Sijia told me that is an unspoken office rule. I think the real unspoken office rule is – learn to be a great pretender. Anyway, managers always believe what they see as existence and assume what they don’t see as non-existence.

My grievances don’t end here. Both my neck and back feel so strained now from the many hours of sitting in front of my laptop and studying the sign-off presentations today. My eyes feel really tired too. Worse, my legs feel like they are practically breaking from the daily torturous experience with my high-heel shoes. The social phenomenon of all girls working at Shenton Way should put on high-heel cord shoes should be put to a stop. Who can ever survive such long-term torture? I am desperate for my mum’s Osim iSqueeze every night.

Well, to put a better closure to my depressing day, I just had a chat with George. He told me to ask for the proof of the retraction from the court summon from the law firm to protect myself. Also, he told me the unspoken rule is valid because Accenture has to portray a positive image since we are working at the client’s side. He also told me to exercise more initiative in my internship and talk to the managers to be involved in the areas of work that I am truly interested in, instead of taking things passively. He is coming to visit me one of these days and thinks he wants to help me establish a more personal relationship with the managers – his old friends. If there is anyone who can always provide me with good advice for school, work or life and give me the kind of assurance and enlightenment I need, it is George. If there is any friend I ever felt indebted to, it is also George. I must be too blessed to have him in my life – the kind of friend who will always be able to offer a helping hand, a crying shoulder and a torch to put life into clearer perspectives.

Mother's Day

2007-05-13T09:01:00.000-04:00

Today is a special day for all to rejoice and give thanks to mothers. Though my house lacks the noise, crowd and vibrancy that many families have, the bond between mama-brother-me is very strong. Mama has worked very hard to give the best to brother and me. I feel that our attachment is far stronger than many families. That is enough for me already. Just chatted with brother on msn. I thank God for blessing my brother and protecting him from the Taiwan military jet crash. He told me that the jet crashed into his camp and the whole place caught fire. They evacuated immediately and he was lucky to have escaped safely. I feel very depressed for the dead and injured; but I am very thankful that my brother is well. Therefore, on this special day, even if my brother is overseas, we rejoice and value that we have each other in our lives.

Thank you Mama. Thank you Bro.

Mama’s gift

2007-05-12T04:14:00.000-04:00

Brother and I celebrated with mama - Mother’s Day - before he left for

Taiwan

last week. It was a wonderful buffet dinner. Mother’s Day has great significance for me. In addition to the dinner, I bought a teddy bear yesterday. Mama has always loved bears, so I’m sure she will like this gift. The bear is holding a heart-shaped frame that can be used to display a photo. I have a silly wish - this bear will accompany mama everyday that I am in New York and watch after her.

I got a card for her too.

虽然我时常乱发脾气；
虽然我都不听你的话；
虽然我曾让你伤心难过；
妈妈是我生命中最珍贵的人。

谢谢你包容我的一切；
谢谢你原谅我的过错；
谢谢你在我悲伤时安慰我；
谢谢你，
因为你从来都没曾放弃我。

祝
母亲节快乐！

New found friends

2007-05-12T00:25:00.000-04:00

I have been with Accenture for more than a week. I must say that my project team – people I am working with directly are SUPERBLY NICE. I really enjoy the company of these new found friends. They are all very young people, more or less around my age. But, there is only one Accenture perm staff in the team and that’s my intern buddy Hwee Keong. He is an SMU grad, majoring Information Systems, recently converted into an analyst. He treated me pasta (my fave!) on thurs haha. More importantly, he has taught and helped me with many issues and has made me felt so welcomed and looked after at Accenture. Thanks intern buddy!

The rest of the people are all named by Accenture as “contractors”. I thought that’s downright discrimination! At Accenture, an analyst will need to go through 4 rounds of interviews and if you don’t have an honours degree you cannot even pass round 1. Though it will not affect me in any way, I can’t agree with this. An honours degree simply is not representative of anything. Therefore, most people employed on the team are either contractors or interns. My senior and mentor - Sijia is an NUS grad Statistics major. She is a really really really nice girl. The 2 of us had a heart-to-heart sharing time yesterday and that was sweet. It has been so long since I can relate so well with a girl. Probably cos we have the same English name, such a coincidence! But, I thought it was because we share common passion and thoughts of life.

Since 4 years ago, I have engaged actively in social service work, be it community service, counseling or mentoring. It was then that I discovered the joy of giving and sharing and that life encompass greater significance than mere possession. I have a dream to leave the city-life one day and commit my life to the unprivileged in this world. One of it is joining the missionaries to third-world countries. I shared this with Sijia and she has the same passion! She was able to understand my emotions so well when many people couldn’t. It is a joy to find a friend who can establish a common understanding with not many words. She goes to a church named Hope. And, she has a boyfriend who is a teacher. And Sijia’s dream is also to be a teacher! That is simply so sweet - to find a partner who can share common interests and dreams. Apparently, she has also gone through difficult times emotionally in relationships until she found her current boyfriend last December. I share her happiness and I wish I will be blessed like her, one day.

She loves music and plays the cello. As such, she is an emotional person, just like I am. Sijia told me that God has a plan for everyone and at every point in our lives, God gives us what He thinks is the most suitable for us. Therefore, failures and setbacks can be a promise to success and whenever I feel down, I should see the significance beyond the present. It was so heartwarming to share thoughts with Sijia. But, I wasn’t completely truthful about my past. Actually, I thought everyone would have their rights to their own secrets of life. It didn’t mean that I didn’t treat her with sincerity. I just want some traumatic past to be completely out of my life, so if I am going to perpetuate the past into new friends, it would never leave me. I guess, only Pam and Limin will hold the key to my past.

The Accenture experience has been marvelous so far, greatly fulfilled by the wonderful people around me.

Paranoid

2007-05-09T08:54:00.000-04:00

I felt really intimidated by what I heard in office this afternoon. Luckily, it’s not yet a serious matter and I hope that everything stays well. I’ve been feeling so tensed up these few days while waiting for my medical test result. I feel like I’m going mad praying everyday that the clinic does not call me and tell me bad news. I just hope that they don’t ever call which means that I’m fine. I pray and pray and pray.

It was a bad choice to sit beside Zhihao during lunch. Gosh, he is so talkative. And I really hate to answer questions about myself, my past and everything. Spare me please! And I wonder who’s that guy Cheryl told me just now. Anyway, doesn’t matter la, just another typical Singaporean guy. Typical guys usually don’t catch my attention. But then, I’m getting so paranoid again. I just hope people can leave me alone and let me keep a low profile. I just want to do my internship well and have a good record. Been feeling disillusioned, though Kelvin has been telling me that all internships are almost the same, as in you don’t get really challenging tasks. And worse, I feel distanced from my passion even though I’m on the DBS core banking project, because Accenture is afterall a technology-based company. Never mind la. Pay is good and Accenture is a reputable company so it will still add value to my resume. I shall not be lazy again next summer and put in the effort to complete the ever-long-winded application forms for some banking/fs postions.

I heard my all-time fave song on Class 95 today. Inspired as usual.

Trying hard to reach out
But when I tried to speak out
Felt like no one could hear me
Wanted to belong here
But something felt so wrong here
So I'd pray
I could break away

I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly
I'll do what it takes til' I touch the sky
I'll make a wish
Take a chance
Make a change
And breakaway

– Breakaway, Kelly Clarkson

Life’s a Dilemma

2007-05-08T09:55:00.000-04:00

I feel so good after a shower, lying on my bed, hugging Puppy and blogging. Work has not been that stressful or busy but I feel tired. Tired of life. I din’t even give myself a “reasonable” amount of time to rest after exams. And now, I got to wake up at 6.45am every work-day to reach office at 9am. Gosh, I need more than 1 hr to prepare. If I can - don’t put on make-up and dress up nicely, I would be able to sleep abit more. But I know that I can’t. Hmm. Am I such an insecure person that I need a “shield” to protect myself and make myself feel confident? Sigh. I think probably so. Actually, I know that beneath my looks and what many people perceived as an “air of confidence”, deep within, I feel insecure and even inferior at times. In fact, many things in this world are not what they appear to be and we should not be too superficial in our thoughts as well.

Another thing about getting to work at 9am. Actually, the timing is flexible and we could even reach at 9.30-10am. But… I must always be so prim and proper about everything. I don’t know whether this is a good or bad trait. But it’s tiring to be me because I never seem to allow for anything imperfect. Is this one of the reasons why I have always been feeling unhappy? Many people have been telling me that my expectations are very high and I demand too much from things. How I wished I won’t take everything so seriously and make my life easier.

So, I have a wish all these years that I can leave the city-life one day. I want to live in a place closest to Mother Nature with mountains, sea, flowers and fresh air. The significance of true living is much more difficult to realize than one assumes. Though my wish is unattainable for at least the next 10 years, it is never too late for anything. The most important thing is 永远不要放弃心中的愿望.

Life’s a dilemma. If I don’t work now, I’ll feel so useless. But now that I’m working, I have so much sentiment. Distant pastures always look greener. But no, I can’t be that superficial. I forgot I wanted to appreciate what I have now and be grateful for everyday.

Strive on!

I thought of the movie I watched in Film and History during the previous sem – Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. It is one of my favourite movies.

How happy is the blameless vestal's lot!
The world forgetting, by the world forgot.
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind!
Each pray'r accepted, and each wish resign'd.

- "Eloisa to Abelard" by Alexander Pope

I know that my highly-sensitive personality has always been a barrier to happiness. I wish for the day I can smile truly from my heart.

"Blessed are the forgetful: for they get the better even of their blunders."

- Friedrich Nietzsche

R E V E L A T I O N S

2007-05-05T15:37:00.000-04:00

Welcome to my new blog.

I like this template. Black and white is nice. Simple is nice.

Well, it’s been a long time since I wrote. And there are so many thoughts and emotions I wanna share.

It was a nightmare. And when I finally opened my eyes, I found that the people around me were all different. Then I realized that everything I once embraced, I once thought was so important, was not at all.

我曾认真试爱着一个人

他给我幸福的可能

我等我问未来何时发生

他只是给我一个吻

快乐我哭是因为你的手

曾答应带我向前走

难过我哭是因为我的手

找不到你说的以后

好眼泪坏眼泪我都曾为你流

感动和悲伤都是理由

只不过在你不再爱我了以后

像坏的眼泪慢慢流

只希望在我不再想你了之后

有好的眼泪慢慢流

有好的笑容陪着我

Depression is scary. I don’t want to go through it again. I will learn to smile abit more everyday, to be grateful for everyday. I promise. Actually it’s never too late to realize anything or to change anything, at least one can still be hopeful then. So I tell myself, even if I had wasted so many years pursing something which was already wrong from the start, its ok. I learn. I will become better. I have distanced from many people – people who were once so close to me – but who now belong to a different world, which I can no longer relate. And because I know that only through leaving them can I let my nightmare fade. I don’t want to even remember who, what, where.

I don’t need a lot of friends. I used to have tons. So what? True friends are hard to come by. At least, after all these while, I have reconciled with reality. I was glad I patched things up with Pam. How could I ever forget who was the one by my side at the lowest point in my life? How could I ever forget who held my hand tightly when I can’t stop crying? How could I walk out of it without her?

B is for Bastard. I like to call him that and everyone finds it a suitable name.

开始旅行寂寞很清醒
我在靠近过去的边境
有些恋人只是
路过时的风景

曾经太过年轻却绝对真心
我给的爱始终任性
不懂花开只一次的爱情

Time flies. I have been in NUS for two years. I love NUS! In fact, I love studying and I really enjoy what I am learning. All thanks to my passion that I am able to survive through difficult times. Studying is never a bed of roses, especially in Biz where it’s so competitive. But, if you really devote your heart and soul into loving what you do, it no longer becomes a chore. I just hope that I can do better because I know I can. Hey... I’m not bragging about my results and I never think that they are fantastic. Just wished that the people around me can understand that different people have different expectations, given different experiences and achievements, so how can different people have the same desires?

If not for school, I guess I wouldn’t have the chance to meet really great friends - Yingxia, Deb, Jon, Yougang. They brightened up my life when all around me was dark. I miss the days in classes, lunches, KTVs… But well, we are not as close last sem. Probably, it’s me. Sometimes, I think my attitude is really bad. Still struggling to handle my emotions.

Doing an internship with Accenture now. Quite a cool company but people work really hard. But I guess it’s the same at every place and for anyone who is ambitious. So I will try to learn as much from the people there in the next three months. And I can’t wait to go New York - the most exciting part of my Uni-life awaits me. Truly, it’s a DREAM come true. I am going to live and study in the city of the world. Never thought I would have this chance, at least not with B. Never. But well, the world looks beautiful now. New environment. New friends. New life. How excited I am!

I got my second medical test result this morning. Phew. One more to go. I pray hard.

You came back today. I never told you but I did miss you when you were not here. You really touched my heart for all that you have done for me. Though sometimes you are really dumb, you have a truly sincere heart and personality, which our world seriously is deprived of.

“You are my princess. I won’t forsake you no matter what.”

Thanks.