Life’s a Dilemma

I feel so good after a shower, lying on my bed, hugging Puppy and blogging. Work has not been that stressful or busy but I feel tired. Tired of life. I din’t even give myself a “reasonable” amount of time to rest after exams. And now, I got to wake up at 6.45am every work-day to reach office at 9am. Gosh, I need more than 1 hr to prepare. If I can - don’t put on make-up and dress up nicely, I would be able to sleep abit more. But I know that I can’t. Hmm. Am I such an insecure person that I need a “shield” to protect myself and make myself feel confident? Sigh. I think probably so. Actually, I know that beneath my looks and what many people perceived as an “air of confidence”, deep within, I feel insecure and even inferior at times. In fact, many things in this world are not what they appear to be and we should not be too superficial in our thoughts as well.

Another thing about getting to work at 9am. Actually, the timing is flexible and we could even reach at 9.30-10am. But… I must always be so prim and proper about everything. I don’t know whether this is a good or bad trait. But it’s tiring to be me because I never seem to allow for anything imperfect. Is this one of the reasons why I have always been feeling unhappy? Many people have been telling me that my expectations are very high and I demand too much from things. How I wished I won’t take everything so seriously and make my life easier.

So, I have a wish all these years that I can leave the city-life one day. I want to live in a place closest to Mother Nature with mountains, sea, flowers and fresh air. The significance of true living is much more difficult to realize than one assumes. Though my wish is unattainable for at least the next 10 years, it is never too late for anything. The most important thing is 永远不要放弃心中的愿望.

Life’s a dilemma. If I don’t work now, I’ll feel so useless. But now that I’m working, I have so much sentiment. Distant pastures always look greener. But no, I can’t be that superficial. I forgot I wanted to appreciate what I have now and be grateful for everyday.

Strive on!

I thought of the movie I watched in Film and History during the previous sem – Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. It is one of my favourite movies.

How happy is the blameless vestal's lot!
The world forgetting, by the world forgot.
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind!
Each pray'r accepted, and each wish resign'd.

- "Eloisa to Abelard" by Alexander Pope

I know that my highly-sensitive personality has always been a barrier to happiness. I wish for the day I can smile truly from my heart.

"Blessed are the forgetful: for they get the better even of their blunders."

- Friedrich Nietzsche