只有自己才能让自己微笑

Worked till 9pm plus and feeling quite tired now. But still must put things into perspective.

My Plans-In-Progress Checklist

Finalise NY-Jap Travel dates
US Visa and travel documents
NYU term housing
Get NYU fall syllabus and buy textbooks
Buy carry-in luggage and travel laptop bag
Buy new skin care
NY post-term housing and Xmas Plan
Japan New Year Travel Plan
CFA Exams Plan

I finally got my US visa yesterday. It was a painful process – from trying to understand the different visa status and the whole application process (with Jeremiah’s help!), to filling up the various forms (there’s alot of details!), to getting all the required documents ready, to buying the cashier’s order and paying for the sevis fee online (cost $320!! And it’s really for nothing!!), to booking the interview appointment online, to queuing under the tent outside the US embassy (they don’t allow entry until the exact time!), to being treated like a terrorist at the embassy (it was a stressful experience!), to being traumatized by the embassy officer (they try their best to detect terrorism-ness in applicants), to rushing from office yesterday during lunch to collect the visa (they give you a fixed time to come back and no other alternatives you can propose) to finally… my visa! What a hassle!

Dear Pammy is back in sg! Finally, someone I’ll love as a shopping companion. I want to try a new range of skin care products, realized my existing one has not been satisfactory. I need to get alot of stuff too like my carry-in luggage which is the most important. Not too many things though, would rather buy what I need at NYC. There are still many things in my agenda not done, but it’s fun actually, all these preparation and stuff. And I have some friends to thank who have helped me alot so far – Xanthus, Darryl, George, Jeremiah. Hmm, all guys! Oh well.

And I’m engineering a trip to Japan after Christmas in NY. Many people may wonder why Japan and not Europe or somewhere else which may be more exciting. Well, Japan has been my childhood dream, especially to visit Hello Kitty Land! Everyone knows Esther loves Hello Kitty! It’s really my DREAM! So, I’m going to make my dream come true. It’s a few months’ wait but it will be worth it. It will be my motivation when I’m studying hard at NYU.

Hmm, with all exciting plans in progress, and many nice friends around me for lunch, dinner, weekends.. How can anyone in my position be feeling depressed? But, I am.

(Here she goes again.) I haven’t been talking to mum since Monday. I refused to talk to her. Yes, I admit I’m an attention-seeking person. I need attention from my mum and bro. Apparently, I’ve lost my bro for a month since he found a gf. He no longer has time for me – to talk and play like we used to, go out for shopping and meals and stuff … But, I’m not blaming him or anything. Come to think of it, did he feel this way previously when I was with my ex? I guessed so. He must have suffered in silence all these years. But, it doesn’t give me a reason not to feel upset about. So, I’m not talking to people at home cos my heart is hurting and I’m too ashamed to say it out. Worse, I feel that my mum doesn’t like me (paranoid right?). She is just trying to fulfill her role and responsibility as a mum (oh esther, pls stop it!). But it’s true, that’s what I’m feeling. She seems to like talking to everyone else but me. If she has a choice to choose who her daughter is, I don’t think she’ll pick me. Cried during dinner with George last week when I told him what I’m feeling. Sigh, I know I’m being so paranoid and negative.

Actually, I’m to blame for many things that I’m unhappy about too. I think I have attitude problem and I guess many people get frustrated with me just as well. Cos I’m simply too impatient with people, with low tolerance. I get super irritated when I can’t get my idea across to people easily. So, I feel it’s tiring to hang out with some people, though it really is not their fault and I may be too critical. This is something which I HAVE to change. I should be more accommodating and understanding towards others since no two brains work the same way. This being a transition period for me as I’m trying to change myself will be tough. Hopefully when I’ve passed this phrase, I will feel better.

But, one thing for sure, an emotion I’ve developed over the years against some people who like to infringe my personal space – get off my back please. I’m not too kind to people who step into my private zone. And I believe that there are some things we cannot change because we will lose our personality in the process.