I hope, it's the last time.

回家的路总是很远, 话少得很可怜, 一个人的晚餐都是孤单的滋味. 看见身边重复上演属于我们的画面, 选择逃避的眼怎么还是会流泪…
爱着你的每一天, 你就是我的世界, 那时候还以为我就爱这一遍. 没有你的每一天, 快乐离我好遥远, 心已随你走了, 还能用什么感觉…

I know I shouldn’t, but I can’t help it. I cannot find anyone who can understand me more than you. I cannot find anyone who can give me the kind of comfort you gave me. Yes, I’ve told everyone how much I hate you, but I know it in my heart, that the hatred was because of love.

I can feel your presence almost everyday for the past one year. Everywhere I go, everything I do, somehow, something always reminds me of you.

8 years ago, that night I was waiting alone at the bus stop, but you never turned up and I waited till 3am. I told myself I will not think about you anymore. I should have known better. I shouldn’t have given you another chance.

Looking back, it seems that many things were fated. We were fated to meet again and I was fated to love you again.

What is love?

If you really loved me, like how much you’ve always claimed, why did you get the both of us into so much trouble? If you really loved me, you would not have made my life so miserable.

But, if you didn’t loved me, you wouldn’t have done so much for me too. When I saw you being carried down from the ambulance, there was blood all over you, but you were holding the paper bag tightly in your hands. You never let go. It was my gift for you.

Why didn’t you just let us have a peaceful and simple life?

I don’t know. Till today, I still couldn’t understand anything.

My mum still scolds you often and sometimes she will ask if we are still in contact. Haa, if she knows I am blogging about you, she is going to get real upset. But, she is so much happier now because I’ve left you and my life has changed for the better.

How about you? Have you changed for the better?

I know we can never be together again.
I know you hate me for leaving you.
But, you will never know how depressed I actually felt.

Did time ever heal anything?

Yes, it did. At least, I am not crying anymore. At least, I can live my life without you. At least, I had experienced what many people might not even go through in their whole life - the kind of love that makes one disregard everything else.

I can still feel you at nights. The times we were together then. Even in the early mornings. I went jogging at 6am today and went past where we sat the first time at the park. I remember it was 5am plus and there was that old man who kept peeping at us from behind the tree, as if we were doing something. Lol…

Thinking of you makes me want to cry. Why did we turn out this way?

The more my mum scolds you, the more my friends curse you, the more suppressed I feel. Nobody understands how I feel. Nobody understands the pain of leaving someone you loved. The more I try to make myself busy, the more I try to mask my emotions, the more overwhelmed I am by emotions when everything comes to a standstill, and the sadder and lonelier I feel. Because of you, I am not ready to accept anyone into my life, no matter how good they are – compared to you. But to me, love is not a measure of how good or bad one is. What should I do? I’ve grown tired and exhausted from the times that go by, I hold my mask of emotions – I hold it inside with the tears I’ve not cried.

舍不得睁开眼睛, 害怕身边没有你, 也许在梦境里是我们最近的距离. 想念你温热的手心, 冷风里把我握紧, 当冬天又来临这温度该怎么延续..
谢谢你曾经爱过我, 给我最美的经过,
但生命最爱被剥夺, 未来的路该怎么走?

Do you know? I’m going New York soon. Since we broke up, I’ve always wanted to leave this place, be it for a few months, and now I finally have the chance.

I need a closure. Time, I will give myself more time. One day, I will meet that person who can light up my life once again. Meanwhile, I want to be strong, I want to grab all my dreams and I want to do it alone.

I’ve said it many times but I will say it again. This shall be the last time I talk about you.

Leaving you was the toughest thing I had to do. I miss you. Goodbye.